


i'm hypnotized

by inlovewiththeirlove (fieldofdiabolicalbutlovelykillers)



Series: seven things (i hate about you) [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 07:27:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15881376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fieldofdiabolicalbutlovelykillers/pseuds/inlovewiththeirlove
Summary: how long do you have to live a lie, till it becomes a reality?You make me laugh, you make me cryI don't know which side to buy





	i'm hypnotized

**Author's Note:**

> This is part 4 of my songfic series based on the miley cyrus song. This one's a little bit rambly but I hope you enjoy!

Phil wondered how entitled the barista would think he is, if he tried to exchange his drink. It was a caramel macchiato at Christmas, yet the salt overpowered his tastebuds and made him recoil from first sip. 

_‘Could emotions effect taste?’_ , Phil thought to himself, if so, he added it to his mental list of things Dan had ruined for him. The list so far had everything from sleeping to social media to TV to his fucking advent calendar. The chocolate tasted bitter, though it was supposed to be a simple milk with a gooey caramel centre. 

Phil’s brain had started playing a game of “connect the dots back to Dan”, and it was currently excelling in it. Cornelia had asked for some scissors yesterday and Phil was reminded one of Dan’s rants about the perils of being left handed and using scissors, it wasn’t a polished act or anything but Phil had laughed till his stomach hurt. His stomach hurt for a different reason now.

Phil stirred his drink a bit more and tried to not let his mind wander through the highlight reel of the past few years, years which were almost nauseating in how sweet they were, but it did.

_Doctor Who was running on the telly in the living room, whilst Phil sat in the kitchen watching his mum make mince pies, he kept nervously checking his phone every minute, unsure what he was hoping for. Dan was with his family, and Phil should’ve been enjoying the time with his but all he’d been doing is hoping Dan’s parents would let him visit on New Year’s._

_His consistent fiddling had annoyed his mum enough for her to finally take his phone away and ask what was wrong. Phil doesn’t remember how he phrased it, whether it was a lyrical “how do you know its love” or whether he’d mumbled something about Dan and Kath had read right through him. Kath’s voice still rung in the back of his head, “It’s in the little things. That’s when you know its real.”_

He sighed and smiled at his family, letting himself get lost in the conversation. 

Dan stopped calling. 

Phil felt strange; unsure if he was relieved or waiting on a phantom ring.

Phil’s parents went to a Christmas party with their friends that night. Martyn and Cornelia were going on a date, Phil had to push them into it. They deserved a Christmas away from Phil’s general woe.

Phil decided to get pizza. 

He wondered what Dan had eaten last night, whether he’d cooked or ordered out. 

If it was take-away he hoped Dan had cleaned and at least ordered some vegetables with the Chinese. 

Phil assumed it was Chinese, that was his comfort food. A little voice in Phil’s head supplied, _“Unless he doesn’t need comforting anymore.”_

His brain kept betraying him today, worrying about what Dan ate or didn’t eat was absurd. Dan had betrayed him too, he couldn’t come back from that. Though some part of Phil hoped Dan ordered from the place by their bank, because last time they had ordered from the place by their house and it had given him food poisoning.

He couldn’t be sure that he’d thrown out the menu after last time, and a part of Phil wanted to tell Dan to be careful.

Though that couldn’t be his place anymore, could it?

He ended up getting a barbecue sauce pizza and garlic breadsticks and settling in, with his laptop on his bed. The position felt strange, reminiscent of his young adulthood where he’d stay in this same position emailing his fake girlfriend, and chatting with his friends, both ones that were real and both that were pretending. He wondered why he had sought them out. He wondered why he had made his first video. He wondered what was missing in his life that he had replied to the tweet that would change everything in 2009. 

He wondered if Dan was the one who filled whatever was missing. He thought about teenage Phil and what he would think. He’s probably be impressed at how hot Dan was and that’d be it. He was a shallow kid. Though Phil supposed, on a deeper level, Phil probably be impressed that his family knew about the bi thing.

It was strange being back here, this was the place where he’d grown up in every way. He’d kissed his first girl here, this was the place where he’d filmed his first video, this was where he saw “Hello Internet” for the first time.

All life-changing moments. All that didn’t mean shit if this was his life now. He didn’t even know if he wanted to carry on his youtube channel without Dan. Without Dan was not a possibility he had considered before. Maybe it was naive of him, betting so much on a young relationship but when you know, you know. Or well, he knew.

Phil opened up Twitter and while scrolling noted a tweet from fifteen minutes ago, informing people that Dan was live on YouNow. He clicked it, almost out of instinct. It was weird to see Dan, alive and well, though Phil couldn’t help but notice the presence of dark circles under his eyes and the absence of the glow that Dan had on his face when he was truly happy. He started answering a question when Phil perked up at hearing his name.

 _“Do you miss Phil?”_ the Dan on the screen says. Phil takes in a breath, seeing Dan was one thing, but he didn’t know if he could live with the reality that Dan would admit to the world that he was important to him. He expected a yes, and despite it being in a best-friend sort of way, it may heal something. 

_“I don’t,”_ Dan stumbled through the words and then added, _“I don’t know how much I miss AmazingPhil particularly as opposed to as much as I really do prefer having two people in the house in case I get attacked by a poltergeist or an axe murderer walks in cause then at least there’s a 50/50 chance that-”_

That’s all Phil needed to hear. He shut the laptop and grabbed another garlic breadstick wondering when it would taste the same.

**Author's Note:**

> You can also reblog on tumblr: [x](https://manialester.tumblr.com/post/177685248661/im-hypnotized)
> 
> Comments and concrit welcome!


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